College application essay help!

[myles]

So I'm applying to go to pharmacy school at Ohio Northern University. They're pretty selective. My application is decent, but I want the essay to really knock it out of the park! Here is what I have so far:

The prompt is "Based on what you have learned about ONU, why have you chosen to apply? What do you believe you will contribute to the ONU community academically, personally, and/or in terms of diversity?

They gave me 5 lines, so they don't want a whole lot, just about a page.

"After learning about Ohio Northern University and its pharmacy program, I am applying to be a part of its community because I will contribute in terms of academics, personality and diversity to the school population. Academics don't come naturally to me, but I care very deeply about my education and work diligently for my grades and achievements. I have a genuine interest in learning everything in my classes, and there is rarely a night when I am not engaged in studying from the time I come home to the time I go to sleep. The study skills I can bring to Ohio Northern are valuable tools that will not only take me through college but also throughout my professional life in the constantly changing field of pharmacy. As a high school student, I have taken a wide variety of courses, challenging myself in many areas. During my freshman year, taking all of the advanced classes offered, I improved my time management as well as explored what classes I wanted to put my focus into. I considered taking all advanced classes throughout my high school career, but I then decided to focus more on the subjects that I would specialize in for my desired career path: math and science. Throughout all of this, my GPA has been maintained at approximately a 3.75. As a trombonist, I intend to join the Ohio Northern Marching Band, and other organizations and clubs, which will enrich the school community. In a female-dominated profession, as a male, I will contribute to the diversity of the pharmacy program at your school. I come from a hard-working family with a Christian background and Christian values, and a close religious relationship with my friends has helped me grow close to the Lord. Learning about religion with and through my friends has helped me to build a strong relationship with God, more so than if I had only learned about Him through going to church."


I know I need a conclusion, but I'm terrible at those.... Also, what else can I put for diversity? Is there anything else I can add/change to really make this essay stand out?


Thanks!

 

[Tommy]

"

After learning about Ohio Northern University and its pharmacy program, I am applying to be a part of its community because I will contribute in terms of academics, personality and diversity to the school population.

Kind of a wasted sentence. They aren't asking IF you will contribute - but HOW you will contribute. I'd re-think your opening.

Academics don't come naturally to me, but I care very deeply about my education and work diligently for my grades and achievements. I have a genuine interest in learning everything in my classes, and there is rarely a night when I am not engaged in studying from the time I come home to the time I go to sleep. The study skills I can bring to Ohio Northern are valuable tools that will not only take me through college but also throughout my professional life in the constantly changing field of pharmacy.

Admitting that academics don't come easy is a risk - but may be worth taking. It's honest, and you point out that you can make up for it with determination and good study skills. I'd add something about how you can help others learn those study skills - it's the kind of contribution they will appreciate.

As a trombonist, I intend to join the Ohio Northern Marching Band, and other organizations and clubs, which will enrich the school community.

I'd be a bit more specific about which clubs interest you - leave off the "which will enrich ..." (it's sort of patronizing, they already know this would enrich the school). If you have done any "community service" or volunteer work, this would be a good place to advertise that.

In a female-dominated profession, as a male, I will contribute to the diversity of the pharmacy program at your school.

Could be taken as sexist, and the perception is that "male is the norm, not diverse" - even in a field dominated by females.

I come from a hard-working family with a Christian background and Christian values, and a close religious relationship with my friends has helped me grow close to the Lord. Learning about religion with and through my friends has helped me to build a strong relationship with God, more so than if I had only learned about Him through going to church."

How well this is received will depend on who is actually reading this. A non-christian may see this as a sign that you are something of a religious fundamentalist, and intolerant of other faiths. Also, Christian is the "norm", so I would ease up a bit on religion. Not saying you should hide it - just don't sound like you think it makes you a better person than someone else (which shows intolerance), or sound like a bible thumper who will annoy other students by preaching alot (not saying you are intolerant or anything - just that you don't want to sound like it). Religion is a complicated issue these days, so I'd be honest but tread softly since this isn't a religious school.

What I didn't see here is why you are interested in Pharmacy. In fact, nothing really shows any interest in helping others or serving the community - which is the only good reason to go into pharmacy (well, OK, it pays decent - but you don't want to sound mercenary!)

As a religious person, you should have plenty of experiences you can use to show a desire to help others and improve the world (if you don't you should have spent less time studying your faith - and more time living it). You need to show that you really do care about others, and the kind of world you live in. As a Christian Male (possibly white?) you won't be seen as adding much to diversity - so you need to show two things.

First, you need to show that you will be tolerant of others and not harm the diversity. If you come from a small town with little diversity, tell them you are exited about a chance to meet people from other backgrounds and cultures and expand your horizons.

Second, you need to show that there are other ways you can contribute besides diversity - like by helping others learn to study more effectively, and social contributions.

Other than that, think of this as an advertisement. You want to "sell" yourself to the admissions people so make positive statements, show confidence AND humility, and remember Kennedy's famous statement (slightly modified) "Ask not what your University can do for you, but what you can do for your University!"


Good luck! If you don't get in this year, take some general courses, get involved in the school's activities and clubs, and try again next year after you proven your value.

 

[irnenginer]

What Tommy said is good.

I would not take the risk on the academics statement. One thought is to rephrase it to be a positive statement rather then a uncertainty of if you would succeed.

One suggestion is to take a look at their website under their "Do something Great" and try to incorporate each of there points to your statement. You have already done that with the band (traditions) and people. Their "green initiatives" might be a challenge but try to work as many as you can.

I would ditch the diversity statement, I agree it could be taken wrong.

Since you cannot know your audience for sure rather than focus on Christianity specifically mention it once and speak to how you would apply Christian life to the community of the university.

I might also take out the specific GPA you have. They will have your transcript in hand and if someone reads this statement it will be after a transcript cut. Focus on who you are and how that will make the university a better place with you.

Good luck!

 

[myles]

Well, it's a Methodist affiliated college. My cousin who went there told me to include some Christian stuff in there.

About the diversity statement, I don't have much else, except that I'm taking AP Spanish and I'm learning about the culture and language of the hispanics. I don't know if what I added is also a risk or even helpful at all, but it's about my dad...

For the academic part, I honestly don't feel that it's taking a huge risk because I go on to talk about my study habits. What else could I say there?

I already have volunteer work under my resume, and they don't want this to be much longer than a page. They want me to put in my essay anything else that I can say to get them to know me better.

Good luck! If you don't get in this year, take some general courses, get involved in the school's activities and clubs, and try again next year after you proven your value.

Thanks! However their program is only for high school seniors/college freshman! D: But it's direct admittance; once you're accepted, you're in for all 6 years!





Here's round 2, with an anecdote this time!

Taking anatomy has really opened my eyes to the human body. Centuries ago, the human body was a mystery, and with exploration, the scientific world has opened its eyes. Biology taught me about life processes; Chemistry taught me about the chemical reactions of life processes. However, anatomy has tied it all together for me. Anatomy has finally put my previous science courses into perspective. After learning about Ohio Northern University and its pharmacy program, I am applying to be a part of its community because I will contribute in terms of academics, personality and diversity to the school population.
Success in academics doesn't come naturally to me, but I care very deeply about my education and work diligently for my grades and achievements. I have a genuine interest in learning everything in my classes, and there is rarely a night when I am not engaged in studying from the time I come home to the time I go to sleep. The study skills I can bring to Ohio Northern are valuable tools that will not only take me through college but also throughout my professional life in the constantly changing field of pharmacy. I can also use them with other students, so that they can improve their study skills as well. As a high school student, I have taken a wide variety of courses, challenging myself in many areas. During my freshman year, taking all of the advanced classes offered, I improved my time management as well as explored what classes I wanted to put my focus into. I considered taking all advanced classes throughout my high school career, but I then decided to focus more on the subjects that I would specialize in for my desired career path: math and science.
As a trombonist, I intend to join the Ohio Northern Marching Band, and other organizations and clubs, such as a Spanish club or science club. As the drum major of the marching band, I have learned that I love helping people, as I love to see the progress they make, and I know that they are thankful of my help, which is what makes me happy. I come from a hard-working family with a Christian background and Christian values, and a close religious relationship with my friends has helped me grow close to the Lord. Learning about religion with and through my friends has helped me to build a strong relationship with God, more so than if I had only learned about Him through going to church.
As a male in a female-dominated vocation, I will contribute to the diversity of the pharmacy program at the school. Growing up, my dad was never really an influential figure. He was there physically, but he has never really been a father figure to me. Unlike most people, I grew up with only a mother figure, which has made me a more responsible, independent person. As a caucasian, I don't have much diversity. Being from a smaller town, however, I am not exposed to much diversity, so I am excited to be exposed to diversity as an open-minded person.

 

[Tommy]

I definitely would leave out the part about your dad - it sounds whiny and bitter. And these days, growing up with only a mother isn't at all uncommon.

This draft is certainly an improvement.

BTW, I assumed (wrongly) that you ONU was a state university. As it is actually Methodist (at least in part), my comments about religion can be disregarded.

 

[Capt_hensley]

Looks good, Diversity comes from education and experience, Use something unique, from your past, awards and decorations, accommodations, blue ribbons and such, just try not to sound too proud of them, but rather just list them. Being diversified has helped me bring more to the table in any interview, and all my bosses have been appreciative of the above and beyond the job description talents I share with my co-workers. Youth can be an advantage, thinking out of the box is easy for young people, employers like that as much as experience. Just remember your seeking an education, that's the first hurdle, the rest is just showing why you deserve one, and how it will help your fellow man.

My Devry interview is like your essay. It will be short, descriptive, informative and most of all honest. Success lies with truth, and openness.